Vatican Apologizes for Security Leak of List of Names of All of the Persons In the World Who Are Going to Hell

© 2014 The World Post Times 

VATICAN CITY --  In a press release issued by the Holy See Press Office Bulletin and in a statement by the Vatican Information Service, the Vatican has formally issued an official apology to the entire world today after a security breach two days ago caused a data leak of the list of the names of all of the persons in the world who are going to hell.  

Since 1985, the Vatican has maintained its private list of all persons in the world who are going to hell on its enormous database located in the supercomputers in the Gregorian Tower.  

The Corriere della Sera in Milan reported that an unidentified Vatican spokesman, speaking on anonymity, stated “It’s a big list - there are over seven billion people in the world to keep track of.”  The spokesman further cautioned the public about relying on the list.  “The list has never been intended to be made available to the public.  There are a lot of people with same or similar names.  And then there are literally tens of thousands of persons each day who are either added or deleted from the list. For example, a man like Alec Baldwin flip flops between the persons going to hell list almost every week.”  “And you can now add the asshole who hacked into our system” quipped the spokesman.

Not everybody was upset by the security breach.  Johnny Greenhouse of Boise, Idaho was grateful to learn he was on the list of persons going to hell. The 40 year old used car salesman stated “I know I’m not a nice person, but this was a real wake-up call to learn that I was on the list of persons going to hell.  I don’t want to go to hell.”  Greenhouse has already begun to dramatically change his life. This morning he gave a hungry homeless man over a dollar in change, and he stated he will stop beating his wife “even when she does things to deserve getting beaten.”

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