After Near-Drowning, Johns Hopkins’ Doctors 99% Certain Scarlett Johansson Is Not a Fish


Is the lack of scales, gills and fins proof enough?    

© 2014 The World Post Times 

BALTIMORE, MD --  In a press release issued today, scientists at Johns Hopkins University have confirmed with almost certainty that actress and singer Scarlett Johansson is not a fish.  The 29 year old Johansson could not be reached for comment concerning the press release, as she is recuperating from the tests performed at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.  

Before checking into Johns Hopkins, Johansson tweeted that she was very much opposed to having the tests to begin with, which she called “outrageous and absurd.”  But Johansson’s publicists urged her to put an end to the rumors running rampant on the internet that she was in fact a fish.  Johansson’s sponsors, including SodaStream, were becoming increasingly concerned about those rumors, and demanded that a definitive finding on Johansson’s species be made public by the nation’s most reputable doctors.

As part of their study, the doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital tossed an unsuspecting Johansson into a swimming pool, nearly drowning the four time Golden Globe nominee.  Biomedical scientist Dr. Jonathan Myers stated “A fish would not have struggled in the pool like that. She could barely swim and obviously couldn’t breathe under water like a fish when we continuously pushed her head under water with a pole.”  Behavior health professor Dr. Janice Jorgensen-Snyder, however, was not fully convinced by Johansson’s near drowning.  “Throw a salt water fish into a fresh water pool filled with chlorine and that fish will flop around and scream just like Scarlett Johansson did.  Further testing needs to be done.” 

Dr. Myers stated that x-rays showed Johansson has 24 articulating vertebrae in her spine, like all humans, and does not have the vertebral column of a fish.  Dr. Myers also noted that Johansson had no scales, gills or fins, which appear on all fish.  “Although we are still waiting for the ultrasound test results on her kidneys and spleen, we can now say with almost certainty, say 99% certainty, that Scarlett Johansson is not a fish.”

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